u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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