I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
