Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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