Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
