WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
