Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
