I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
