so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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