mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
