Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So much Jack, so little girl.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
