I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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