I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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