I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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