I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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