The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
That accounts for only three of the penises
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
