My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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