Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
