Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
