Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
