im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
