If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
