all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
