I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
