walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
