I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
kristin has been a bad kristin
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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