I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
