the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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