dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
