i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
