The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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