I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
