if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
