Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
