Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
