I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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