Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
