i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
