So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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