I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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