Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
