It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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