Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
