she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
40s are totally the cure
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
