i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
