i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
two words: eviction party
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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