I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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