If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
