I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Even the bartender felt bad for me
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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