all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
