y did u give ur computer a hand job?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
